This bicycle, dubbed "El Murciélago Mini" by the "officers," received a "Hot Bike Violation" on Douglas Street. Photo reproduced with permission from the Velocipede Aesthete Jury.

Victoria area cyclists, be on the look out! Your bicycle might be served with a “Hot Bike Violation.” If you receive one of these tickets, it will read, “Your bike has been deemed hot enough to melt pavement into buttery slurries.” Checkmarks will be next to the “Offending attribute(s)” that apply: was it your frame, seat, wheels, handlebars, accessories, or a combination thereof? Towards the bottom of the ticket, the officer will have written comments explaining the grounds for the ticket. One example: “My dream car is a flat black El Camino with spoke rims and demon hyenas painted down the side. This bike comes pretty close to that.” Then at the bottom of the ticket you will read, “Your criminal profile will be posted on The Velocipede Aesthete Jury’s index: www.rossangus.com/velo”. Go to the website, and photos of the hot bikes will be posted along with information regarding their offence.

An appointment with two off-duty officers, Marlaina Buch and Ross Angus Macaulay, helped explain the new tickets. They are Velocipede Aesthete Jury: a division of the Ministry of Casual Living, an artist run centre at 1442 Haultain Street, and the tickets are part of a web based performance art project. The photos and tickets are part appreciation, part self-serving archiving. “Officer” Buch explained that the goal of the archiving was to build a bicycle design library. The officers said that bikes may be ticketed for one specific feature, and it is the archiving of these desirable features that fills the design library.

When asked how people respond to being ticketed, the officers explained that they rarely encounter the owner of the bike they are ticketing. However, when they do, it takes awhile for people to get the joke. “Officer” Macaulay slid a blank ticket across the table. “It barely looks official,” he said. “People can be very gullible in respect to authority” (“which is a little disturbing,” Buch added). One of the officers recalls a discussion with the owner of a ticketed bike. “He kept repeating he had done nothing. I was pleased to tell him he had done something – something right!” They said that when people see the word “hot” they sometimes think “stolen.” “People become confused and defensive, but they easily buy into our authority even without uniforms!” Uniforms could be in the works though; as both agree that it would be nice to appear more official. At least people react well once they realize it’s a joke.

So how do Victoria area bikes stack up? It seems west coast residents don’t tend to pimp out their bikes. Standards are so high that some days a hot bike cannot be found. Everyone agreed that the west coast tends to be too practical for hot bikes. Strangely enough, as this was being said, a unicyclist rode past. After some giggles, Buch noted, “But I think he was wearing fleece.”

So what particular design elements are worthy of a “Hot Bike Violation”? It’s hard to say exactly. Buch once used a plastic gold karate trophy as a kind of bicycle hood ornament. Hopefully that gets the creative wheels turning in Victoria.

View the Hot Bike Violation website here and discuss the Velocipede Aesthete Jury on the VibrantVictoria.ca forum here.

Hailey Finnigan is the author of phART, a Victoria-based arts blog.

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